I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
