worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
