P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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