I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
