He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
