JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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