How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize