Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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