If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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