thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
