WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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