Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
