New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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