Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
