I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
