ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
