I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
