five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
