Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
