did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
