There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
