Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
