Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
