i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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