apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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