I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
