Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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