Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
