david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
