He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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