You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
