You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
