His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
