I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
