I can tuck mytits in my pants
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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