I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
