I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
