Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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