i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
