I think I am morally bankrupt
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
