My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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