This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize