I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
