Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize