John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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