ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
