He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
