I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
