you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
