I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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