I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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