; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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