I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
