she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
