Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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