theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
