You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
