I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
