Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
