There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
